Am I doomed to repeat my parents’ mistakes? Part I - “Roadmaps” and “Blueprints”
Many clients and friends have shared with me that they have—at some point in life—sworn off marriage and having children because of how poorly it all seemed to go for their families while growing up. On the surface, it makes a lot of sense. Many of us are all too aware of the cyclical natures of abuse and poverty. We know that mental illness and substance abuse can be hereditary and that having divorced parents statistically increases the chances that we will get divorced ourselves. So why not break the cycle if it’s in our power to do so?
We have been told that history repeats itself, so perhaps it feels like the right thing to do to avoid the potholes on your parents’ dead end street altogether by staying far, far away from it. However, I think Mark Twain was wise to revise this adage when he said, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.” In my own words—you are not doomed to repeat your parents’ mistakes as partners or with your own children, but you certainly might have to work harder than others to avoid those potholes. This will be a multi-part blog entry to instill some hope and some tools to reassure you that you truly can grow beyond whatever it is you saw and experienced your early caregivers doing.
Part I: Our “Roadmaps” or “Blueprints”
One of my first orders of business with the couples I counsel is to look at the “roadmaps” or “blueprints” they are bringing into their relationship. You can choose whichever of those visuals makes the most sense to you. In essence, we explore some of the earliest messages each partner received concerning how to handle conflict, reconciliation, teamwork, trust, and affection. You can’t drive to Disney World without consulting a GPS or a road atlas. Similarly, you can’t do relationships without a little direction. Unfortunately, it’s not trusty Google Maps we’re relying on to get us to the destination of a happy, healthy relationship—it’s the framework that was modeled to us by our original caregivers. For better or for worse.
One of the “roadmaps” I see most often being carried over from childhood is the one that tells us what we’re supposed to do in conflict. Were your parents’ fights loud? Maybe you recall a lot of cursing or name-calling. Or perhaps you actually don’t remember your parents ever arguing, but you can still feel that cold tension lingering in the air for days whenever Mom was angry with Dad. These conflict styles, along with so many others along the spectrum, stick with us. As children, we are naturally looking to our environments to learn how to do things. More specifically, we are observing everything around us to learn how to get our needs met. It’s evolutionary—it’s how we stay alive. So, if hurling insults seemed to be Mom’s way of relieving tension after work or if issuing days of silent treatment was how Dad ultimately got his way, we are going to notice this.
We are going to notice other patterns too. Even the most positive, well-intentioned “roadmaps” can sometimes take a toll on our adult relationships. I can give a personal example. Growing up, my mother was always happiest and most excitable around seasonal festivals. I would see her light up and become really playful and affectionate with my father, my sister, and me at events like Pumpkin festivals, Christmas light displays, and annual art fairs. How could this be a bad thing? I learned that seasonal rituals are special avenues for love and connection! But guess when my husband and I get into the gnarliest fights?
…when the annual art fair falls on the same week as his big work deadline
or
…when I’m craving festive connection but it’s 9pm and 28 degrees outside and we have already seen every Christmas light display in the city. Twice.
We have to make sure our “roadmaps” work for us and not against us, and the key to that is three-fold: recognition, communication, and flexibility.
1) Recognize: Reflect on your past experience and your current behavior, and notice when you are pulling from a “roadmap.”
2) Communicate: Share with your partner what this roadmap means to you and why it’s so tempting to follow it. This might sound like “Whenever my mom would freeze my dad out after a fight, he would come home with flowers the next day. I guess that’s the kind of outcome I’m going for, but it doesn’t seem to be working. How do we get back to feeling close?”
3) Be flexible: Know that roadmaps can be good guides both as to what to do and what not to do, but detours exist for a reason. My husband has learned to love seasonal events because of the way I get excited for them, but I also know and am learning to respect that they are not always going to fall at a good time for him. Missing this year’s Jack-O-Lantern Spectacular doesn’t mean we are any less connected or in love.
Remember that our “roadmaps” or “blueprints” aren’t in control of us or our relationship behaviors. They are tools we can draw from to be able to find our way. If you have sworn off love, marriage, and children out of fear your story will look identical to the one you watched unfold in childhood, I encourage you to do some reflection. Are there pieces of your “roadmap” you really value and want to keep? Are there pieces you know you need to rework? Bring all those pieces to your counselor and see if you can start to trust yourself to recognize, communicate, and be flexible with them. I, for one, believe you can.
The next part of this blog series will dive into ways in which the amount of love and attention we received in early childhood relationships sometimes translates into what we expect and accept from our romantic partners. Stay tuned!
