Will my couples therapist take sides?

I’m going to be honest—there are very few representations of therapists in television and film that don’t make me cringe. I could reserve an entire blog post for all the ways media gets therapists wrong. In most cases, I think the therapist is written less as a person in the storyline and more as a prop to illuminate just how bad things have gotten for the main characters.

Lately, the worst on-screen therapist I have seen works out of her home in the third season of the show Ozark [CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD]. The audience watches as she first conducts some sub-par therapy with Marty and Wendy Byrde and then accepts some extra dirty drug money on the side to take up Marty’s point of view in session. Don’t feel too bad for Wendy, though. She, too, later propositions the therapist to champion her side, and the therapist accepts. You’ll have to watch the show to learn how this enterprise turns out for Marty, Wendy, and the therapist, but I can assure you it’s not worth the extra payment for anyone.

So, does it happen?

I want to address and dispel some notions I frequently hear from my couples about relationship therapists “taking sides.” Often I meet a couple who has ended their work with a previous therapist after a few sessions because one partner felt unfairly “ganged up on” by their spouse and the counselor. In fact, even couples who are in therapy for the first time will voice (or worse—hold in) fears that the process will be unbalanced and that one partner will always leave sessions feeling attacked while the other gets to gloat in her righteousness all the way home. I understand why this fear is so common—the conflict in your relationship has become so divisive that it seems impossible someone could hear about it and not immediately pinpoint the bad guy here (your partner, of course!)

This is where a relationship therapist’s training sets them apart from you, your partner, and even some otherwise highly qualified helping professionals. In other words, a couples therapist goes to school and practices for a long time to be able to see your relationship conflict differently than you have been able to see it. No—you are not blind or broken in any way, and neither is your partner. Rather, a relationship therapist has a great deal of education and experience separating what is known as your “conflict cycle” out from the two individuals involved.

Think of your “conflict cycle” as a choreographed dance. One partner takes a step forward, and the other takes a step back. One partner initiates a twirl, and the other partner follows through with the spin. When dance routines are well-practiced and performed, both partners move in synchronicity with little to no indication of who initiates each step or what made them do so. They appear to be floating around the floor and moving without thinking. I bet you never thought of yourself as an expert dancer, but when it comes to your conflict cycle with your partner, I assure you that you are VERY well trained. When I work with a couple, I always let them know, “You are not my client, and you are also not my client. My client is the dance between you.” In most cases, the dance has become painful or ineffective, and it might need to be fine-tuned or re-choreographed altogether.

To be fair, I ALSO let couples know that there will be sessions when it feels I am coaching and/or challenging one partner a lot more than the other. And it’s absolutely true. I reassure that there will likely be an equal number of sessions in which the other partner gets the same amount of attention from me. The amount of feedback a relationship therapist provides to one partner over the course of a session is not indicative of them being fully at fault for a conflict or the problematic “dance routine” overall. In fact, sometimes I push one partner really hard because I see a lot of motivation and potential for some rapid change in them. It can actually be a sign of this partner’s strength in the process.

It really is happening. What do I do?

If you find yourself feeling unfairly “picked on” by your couples counselor, I encourage you to start a conversation with him or her before you jump ship to find another provider who you hope will be more equal. If you are feeling this way, it’s likely you are not feeling very heard by your partner or by the therapist in the process, and this is really important for your relationship counselor to know. Let your therapist know that you leave sessions feeling a little beat up or hopeless about your perspective being heard. If this doesn’t result in some change to the flow of sessions and you continue to feel like the process is unbalanced, then start to consider your options.